Why Feeling Like I Was Failing Was One of the Best Things to Ever Happen to Me
January 1, 2020
One year ago, this month I left my corporate job. With the exception of a 9-month period of time in my 30s when I was laid off when the company I worked for closed, 2019 was the first year since I was 15 years old that I hadn’t been steadily employed.
I turned 50 this past year. As that birthday was approaching, I was utterly exhausted and, for the better part of a year, went home at the end of every work day feeling like I was failing. It was time to reassess my priorities. And I’m so glad I did. This past year has given me a new perspective and a new sense of happiness that I don’t think I could have gained any other way.
What led up to the decision to leave my job was that I was losing myself. Somewhere along the way I had burned out. And with that, I lost my passion for my work. I had been struggling with the overwhelming workload for quite some time. And I was failing to achieve the things that gave me satisfaction in my work.
That was coupled with the need to reduce even more staff, the challenges of finding good people to fill the critical vacancies we did have, the need to make some major system redesign changes, and the continued increasing expectations that came with being an executive in a high performing health care organization - the pressures just continued to increase.
I found myself skipping my son’s sports games for work commitments, staying later and later at work, missing family gatherings, and bringing my laptop home to do work at night and on weekends all to try to meet deadlines and keep up with the demands. I wasn’t sleeping well and started skipping my gym time to stay later at the office. It started to take its toll on my health.
My boss was always supportive when I wanted to take time off, but the expectations of getting the work done were still there. I felt like I was in a constant state of crisis management – if it wasn’t one person’s crisis that I was responding to, it was another’s. Vacations inevitably always became working vacations, often disrupted by one thing or another. I was chained to my cell phone constantly and it seemed never-ending.
I didn’t feel I could delegate more because my staff was already so overloaded that they didn’t have any capacity either – at least that was my perception. We had enough turnover on the team and HR positions are very hard to fill - losing more would just add to the problem. It was a vicious cycle. It seemed like we could never get ahead and I couldn’t get approval to add the FTEs we needed.
Empathy is one of my strengths, but this also became a double-edged sword in my work. My team had dealt with some extraordinary personal challenges – parent and spouse illnesses/deaths and I had a close colleague whose son had committed suicide. While supporting these folks during these times was a privilege, it also took a real personal toll on me. All of those challenges, coupled with my own parents’ declining health just became too much.
I recognized that continuing in the current state wasn’t fair to me, my family, my team, or the organization. My attempts to improve the situation weren’t working – at least not fast enough. The organization needed a leader who could come in with a fresh perspective, a renewed energy, and get out of the hole I thought we were in. And I needed some relief from the stress. It was time to throw in the towel and take a break.
It was far from easy for me to come to that conclusion. My husband and I talked about it for the better part of six months. Once I finally decided to leave, it felt a lot like jumping off a cliff into the unknown. It was scary…really scary. And very emotional. Leaving my work family, where I had established so many strong relationships and had put in so many hours of dedicated hard work for almost thirteen years was very hard. I felt like I was abandoning my team. But I knew I had to do it for myself and my family.
Now that I’ve had a year to reflect, I’ve gained more perspective on the situation and I’ve learned some important things about myself, about what will make me happy and more successful in the future. Some of what I’ve learned is:
The inability to say no and the desire to please can be to one’s own detriment. You can work to put better boundaries on time, but often that leads to bigger backlogs and getting further behind. No one likes that feeling so the time creep happens again to catch up. Developing strategies to ensure you stick to your guns on personal boundaries might not solve the problem of workload backlogs, but it could make the problem visible sooner and allow for problem-solving.
A desire to have things done a certain way and some perfectionist tendencies can contribute to a constant feeling of being overwhelmed and an inability to just let go of things at times. Wanting a quality outcome is a good thing, but when that desire leads you to go overboard with the need to have things a certain way it can be to your detriment.
An inability to ask for help and say this isn’t working can be a contributor to the problem of feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard to admit when you’re in over your head, especially when you pride yourself on being so capable. But at times we all need to rely on each other as collaborative problem solvers and not get stuck out on an island all by ourselves. Pulling in thought partners early on in a problem and being open to others’ ideas of ways to problem solve might have helped.
Sometimes we can be really great at following through on professional commitments, but not very good at those personal commitments, such as commitment to gym time. Making self-care (such as exercising and eating right) a priority, can help ensure better quality sleep and better stress management, all of which can contribute to more effectively dealing with pressure.
When you are stuck in the weeds of crisis management, it’s really hard to see the big picture and problem-solve for the long term, but that’s a requirement if you’re going to find sustainable solutions.
I’ve realized that the level of productivity that I managed to sustain all those years and how that translated to the expectations of others was very unrealistic. What I consider now to be a “productive” day is more in line with that of a reasonable person. I couldn’t see that when I was running as fast as I could on the hamster wheel. And that wasn’t fair to my staff as it translated to expectations of them.
So, what have I done with my time off this year?
Most importantly, I have invested time in my relationships with the people closest to me – my son, my husband, my friends, and my family. It’s been amazing to see how my sixteen-year-old has blossomed so much this year having me home and more involved in his life.
I have focused on being really present in my day. That includes observing things around me, really listening and engaging in conversations, and appreciating nature and the little moments in life that I used to take for granted.
I’ve been intentional about focusing on my health, getting back to the gym, cooking, and eating healthier. I’ve helped care for my mom as she’s recovering from her health challenges.
I’ve cleaned out closets and organized my home office. There’s something very satisfying about getting rid of things you no longer need and simplifying the space around you.
For several months, I spent many hours using adult coloring books. It took me months to calm my mind enough to focus on reading a book. I discovered that coloring is equivalent to meditation, and I attribute this to my ability to sit quietly and read a book again. And I’ve learned to paint with watercolors.
Reading! I had a backlog of books that I’d accumulated over the years that I wanted to read and never had time to. Now I read…a lot.
I’ve continued my education, taking both personal and professional development courses.
I’ve traveled much more than I anticipated I would this year. I’ve been to the Oregon coast, Canada, Switzerland, Italy, New York, and North Carolina!
Having this time has also helped to guide me to the next step in my professional career. When you are constantly feeling like you can’t be successful at work it doesn’t do much for the self-esteem. But this past year has helped me regain my confidence and as I’ve reflected, I have come to recognize all of the knowledge and professional experience I have gained over the amazing career that I’ve had.
I’ve had the privilege of working for some pretty great organizations and with some great leaders who have taught me a lot. I’ve been through a merger, an affiliation, a de-affiliation, a dissolution of an organization, and countless large organizational change initiatives…all of those involving major impacts to people and all done in a way that kept respect for people at the forefront. I played a key leadership role throughout those initiatives and, as such, I have tremendous knowledge I can offer potential clients who may be facing similar challenges or who simply want to make improvements in their workplaces.
I now have a sense of personal peace and professional purpose that I haven’t had in a long time. This summer as I was taking a walk around town, I noticed the color of the sky seemed bluer and the grass seemed greener. The colors of the flowers were noticeably different to me…brighter. It’s like I’ve become awake for the first time in who knows how long.
I’ve had people tell me that I look ten years younger. I can only imagine what the effects of chronic stress have done to my body. I just know that ultimately, that feeling of failure, while terrible at the moment, led me to a much more beautiful place in the long run once I stopped fighting it and embraced it.
I’m so happy about that and excited to see what the next phase of my professional life brings with this new-found perspective. Jumping into the unknown, while difficult at the moment, can be worth it in the long run. That’s one thing I’m sure of.